Tag Archives: widow

Scar Tissue

Today, the scar on my heart burns.

The memories are not painful anymore, they are bittersweet. Today, though, today they ache and burn something fierce! The need to have you here is an all too familiar feeling, but today it is one that no words seem to be able to dispel. Life is tough and I have learned to live it in-spite of it’s rough edges. I have found joy in between the waves of pain. I have found strength in laughter and in tears. Life has not been easy but it has been doable.

Today, however, I feel as though I am putting on a facade. I have walked through the day with a burning scar heating up my chest, with an emptiness that is difficult to fill. I have smiled but not really felt happy. I have a bone deep weariness weighing me down. I’m not sure why this date this year is particularly hard. I have been thinking about you a lot of late. Not that you are ever very far from my mind. I feel the need to talk to you and hear your thoughts but you are not here. Friends and family are always willing to help. I love them for the generosity of their time, love, and patience. I’m not sure I would be where I am now if it were not for them. Unfortunately, they can not give me what you could. I miss your shoulder to rest my head on and your hand in mine.

Today will pass and you will still be gone, so I must attempt to quiet the pain in my heart. Ease the burn of the scar tissue. I have done it before and I will again, but the scar will always remain.

Love has a price but it is worth every penny.

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Flirting, Dating, What’s That?

Time for a confession! I cannot flirt and I have never been on a real date. My husband was really a good guy but we didn’t really go on a date, at least, a traditional date, until after we moved in together. Let me define what I mean by date. To me, a date is when you go to dinner or coffee or drinks or a movie, something of the sort. Justin and I went for walks or talked on my front porch or in his apartment. He never picked me up in his car and took me to dinner or a movie. Not judging, truth is, I never missed the dates. I liked our conversations and walks in the park. I have only had about 3 boyfriends in my life. My first real boyfriend was in middle school, my second was in high school and my third would later become my husband. In middle school, I was only allowed on group dates. In high school, I was more focused on school work and the guy I dated never took me out, he did bring me breakfast once. In college, I was trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up, making friends and didn’t really want a boyfriend. Then I met Justin and my life changed and everything was good :). When I lost him everything changed again and I thought I would never want to date or anything ever again. Fast-forward to five years later and I find that never again is unrealistic.

So here is the situation, I seem to be attracted to a guy at my gym. Cliche, I know! Since I don’t really get out much I guess the gym and the grocery store are about the only places I will meet a guy. I suppose it might be time to mend my hermit ways ;). Anyway, I met a cute guy (so, high school sounding) and I have no idea what to do next. I have never been able to flirt without sounding like a total goob and even if I could I have no idea how a real date goes. Oh and there is the whole widowed single mom thing that doesn’t do much to turn guys on. It’s a lot to handle. You may be asking yourselves why I am even mentioning all this. Well, because I have no idea what I am doing so I am seeking assistance from all available avenues! Friends, some family, and you all. I am not even really sure I am 100% ready to date. I guess if I am now looking at guys going hmmmm….I wonder, then it is probably time to start figuring out how all this crap works. You know, at the young age of 37 it might actually be time to figure out to flirt or what to say and not say on a date, especially a first date.

So my blogging friends, tell me, how does this all work? Please don’t say dating websites because I am definitely not ready for all that jazz. Who asks who? I am almost in a place where I am confident enough to do the asking but I have a fear of rejection. It stems from a lack of confidence in my appearance. I was made fun of a lot when I was a kid, weight problems, glasses, socially awkward. Yeah, not much has changed. I am a bit more confident but I still have the glasses and weight problems. For those of you who never had these issues, it sticks with you, even when you believe that you are a well-adjusted, self-confident adult. Self-doubt is  a little monster that must be fought at all times.

Give me your thoughts friends, I look forward to hearing from you :).

 

Widow-There I finally said it! ;P

Tomorrow is a hard day, who am I kidding…this whole week has been AWFUL! January 12, 2011 the day my world turned upside down and a new label stuck itself to my back and just won’t go away 😦 I have managed to avoid this label for the last 2 years. I am 34 years old, I should not have to use this label, check this box on forms, or say it out LOUD! It is a label that invokes the…pity face, the OMGs, and the “I’m so sorry”s. And to be quite honest, it is a label that evoked enormous FURY and sadness in me. So I avoided the word and pretended that I didn’t see that little box on forms for the past 2 years. 

Something has changed :/

I don’t know what it is, but that word doesn’t evoke the same feelings anymore. I miss my Justin something terrible! I always will. But the word doesn’t make me as sad or angry as it used to. Maybe I am accepting my fate, maybe I realize its just a word, or maybe I am learning to make it a part of me. It doesn’t have to be the biggest part of me, and it most definitely isn’t the only part of me, but it is there. I cannot escape the life changing events that happened to me that year, but I don’t have to let them define me either. 

So without further ado I will make my declaration now for all to read…

I am a…widow. Yes a widow, my husband has died and now I am a widow.

Hmmm…not so bad. Truth is truth I suppose. It often isn’t wanted(even when we ask for it). I am finding that this is so because Truth often has a sharp blade that cuts deep. But now that I have lived with this gaping wound that life and truth have carved into my heart, I find that the pain is dulling and the wound scarring, and the label of widow doesn’t have as potent effect as it once did.

Perhaps this young widow is growing? Perhaps she still has a future and a life yet to live?

We shall see what the future holds:)