Tag Archives: problems

Lost? Or Temporarily Misplaced?

It is that time of year again! Yes, the time of year when I am not sure who I am or what I am supposed to be doing. Like a college student trying to pick a major or a preschooler trying to decide what toy to take for show and tell I am floundering. Have any of you ever felt this way?

I used to say I felt lost. I felt like I was wondering about in the dark with no real purpose. Now, I think of this time of year as a temporary misplacement of myself.

I know the direction I want to go, but I have taken a wrong turn. I just have to back track and find my road. Easier said than done. Especially, when the doubts are screaming directions in your ear, “You can’t go that way!”, “are you crazy! How are you going to make a living doing that!” The ever present doubt of “What are you going to do when you fail?” Finally, the kick in the stomach, “Maybe it would be better if you tried something else.”

Those doubting voices are all too familiar. They come and go through out the year, but this time of year those voices take up residence in my soul. The unwanted guests make me question every choice I have ever made. The result is a feeling of being lost and alone.

I could blame a great number of events or a handful of people for these voices. I could, it would be so very simple to blame outside factors for the doubts that run through my head and my heart. In truth, these people and events are contributors but they are not responsible for my actions. Only I am responsible for my actions.

In the past I have let these doubts control my every thought and action. I let them harass me and tear me down. Not anymore, things have changed, I have changed. I am no longer lost. I am simply temporarily misplaced. I invite the doubts in for a conversation. They are welcome to stay for a little while. They fire their concerns at me and I answer each one as thoughtfully as possible.

“You can’t go that way!”

Why? Why can’t I go that way? If there is a barrier maybe I can bypass it somehow. Why shouldn’t I at least give that way a try? What’s the worse that could happen?

“Are you crazy! How are you going to make a living doing that?”

I don’t know if I can make a living at this, but I currently have a small amount of means and a whole lot of determination. Why shouldn’t I try?

“What are you going to do when you fail?”

Failure isn’t something to be feared. If I never fail how am I going to learn what won’t work? Failure is a very good teacher. I am 39 years old, by now failure is a familiar acquaintance. In fact, failure and I have had many good conversations.

“Maybe it would be better if you tried something else.”

You might be right. My feelings could get hurt, I might put more money into this than I should. Life just might be easier if I did something a little safer, more solid with a guaranteed income. There are many things I can do that will be “better” for me than writing books. I know, I’ve tried a few. Life is often too short to continue waiting for the right moment. The amount of time, the right amount of financial stability. I have learned that the right time is always now, because tomorrow may not come.

I have my answers and my direction. I just need to find my road again. It’s not that far away. Along the way I drop off each doubt, give a little wave and a see you next year .

I’m not lost. I’m temporarily misplaced.

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Kick Me, I’m Down

So I have been trying very hard lately to see the positive side of life and not let the negativity of it bring me down. Today I am failing miserably at this.

It all started last night when my 6 year old daughter decided to regal me with all of the things that make me a horrible mother, it was a surprisingly long list for her very short number of years. I honestly didn’t think I’d have to listen to that for at least 6 more years…I was very sadly mistaken 😦 This morning I attempted to shake it off, after all she was very tired last night and upset about something to do with a video game. But the day just won’t cooperate….AHHH! I can’t quit thinking about some of my apparent missteps that Anastasia rehashed. In truth I don’t play with her as often as I should and I don’t buy her everything she wants (I do not regret this last one in the slightest). I am in the mind set that a child should have to earn some things. These of course were just the tip of the iceberg…I wonder how many more atrocities I will pour upon her before she hits her teen years and puberty makes even those tiny things seem like giant mountains of failure? Sigh

Sadly this was not the only thing that weighed me down this day…oh no there was more to come. 

I am trying to open a business, one that will help children and the environment all at the same time. I won’t go into more detail here for my passion about it would carry me away. Unfortunately finding a bank that will loan me money is proving rough. Today I spoke with a very helpful women who said that she could probably help if I had some equity in my home. I told her that it has been about 7 or 8 years since an appraisal has been done. She kindly worked some computer magic and found that the county assess the fair market value of my house to be $65,899…something to feel good about since I bought my home for $63,500, that is until I tell her that I refinanced my house those years ago for over $70,000 because is was worth that much then. Needless to say I still owe about $68,000 on that mortgage. CRASH, BOOM, BANG! That would be the collapse of my hopes.

Shortly after this conversation I receive a phone call from a debt collector telling me I still owe the hospital money…shall I jump in front of the train that runs behind my house, or run away and change my name? 

BANG, BOOM, POW as they say in the comics, I am now flat on my back and staring at the ceiling and wondering what I did that was so bad I deserve to be kicked again and again. YES MAAM I AM RIDING THE SELF PITY TRAIN! 

I know that my problems are nothing compared to other people’s problems. Hey at least I have a house, a daughter and money coming into the bank (never mind that it leaves it just as quickly). And as they say tomorrow is a new day perhaps I’ll get off the pity train at the next stop, but for today…CHUGA CHUGA CHOO CHOO

Tomorrow will be better……..;)