Tag Archives: journey

Lost? Or Temporarily Misplaced?

It is that time of year again! Yes, the time of year when I am not sure who I am or what I am supposed to be doing. Like a college student trying to pick a major or a preschooler trying to decide what toy to take for show and tell I am floundering. Have any of you ever felt this way?

I used to say I felt lost. I felt like I was wondering about in the dark with no real purpose. Now, I think of this time of year as a temporary misplacement of myself.

I know the direction I want to go, but I have taken a wrong turn. I just have to back track and find my road. Easier said than done. Especially, when the doubts are screaming directions in your ear, “You can’t go that way!”, “are you crazy! How are you going to make a living doing that!” The ever present doubt of “What are you going to do when you fail?” Finally, the kick in the stomach, “Maybe it would be better if you tried something else.”

Those doubting voices are all too familiar. They come and go through out the year, but this time of year those voices take up residence in my soul. The unwanted guests make me question every choice I have ever made. The result is a feeling of being lost and alone.

I could blame a great number of events or a handful of people for these voices. I could, it would be so very simple to blame outside factors for the doubts that run through my head and my heart. In truth, these people and events are contributors but they are not responsible for my actions. Only I am responsible for my actions.

In the past I have let these doubts control my every thought and action. I let them harass me and tear me down. Not anymore, things have changed, I have changed. I am no longer lost. I am simply temporarily misplaced. I invite the doubts in for a conversation. They are welcome to stay for a little while. They fire their concerns at me and I answer each one as thoughtfully as possible.

“You can’t go that way!”

Why? Why can’t I go that way? If there is a barrier maybe I can bypass it somehow. Why shouldn’t I at least give that way a try? What’s the worse that could happen?

“Are you crazy! How are you going to make a living doing that?”

I don’t know if I can make a living at this, but I currently have a small amount of means and a whole lot of determination. Why shouldn’t I try?

“What are you going to do when you fail?”

Failure isn’t something to be feared. If I never fail how am I going to learn what won’t work? Failure is a very good teacher. I am 39 years old, by now failure is a familiar acquaintance. In fact, failure and I have had many good conversations.

“Maybe it would be better if you tried something else.”

You might be right. My feelings could get hurt, I might put more money into this than I should. Life just might be easier if I did something a little safer, more solid with a guaranteed income. There are many things I can do that will be “better” for me than writing books. I know, I’ve tried a few. Life is often too short to continue waiting for the right moment. The amount of time, the right amount of financial stability. I have learned that the right time is always now, because tomorrow may not come.

I have my answers and my direction. I just need to find my road again. It’s not that far away. Along the way I drop off each doubt, give a little wave and a see you next year .

I’m not lost. I’m temporarily misplaced.

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A Budget of $0

Hello, family and friends and readers of my blog. This is just a note to let you know that I am not crazy or in an irrational state of mind :). I am, however, in a mood to do something that I have been wanting to do for a long time, remodel my kitchen. Here are some pics

I have been watching DIY shows and looking through Pinterest and HGTV magazines for years and I finally have an idea of what I want to do to my kitchen. No, I do not have a budget. I am a single mom with a part time job and the dreams of being a professional writer. My bank account frequently screams in agony and every time I use my debit card I hear alarm bells sounding. This will not stop me and here’s why.

Life is really fucking short! It’s too short to wait until the “perfect moment” and definitely too short to wait for my bank account to always be in the black. Life is too short to sit around and whisper “someday” into the air. My someday is now. To some of you, this might seem foolish, stupid and perhaps a bit absurd. I mean who starts a remodel without having a budget in place!

The answer to that, perfectly understandable, question is this: someone who doesn’t need near instant gratification, someone who plans on doing most, if not all, the work herself. Yes, I do have big plans. Yes, I do know that not all of those plans will work. After all, I am not a plumber or an electrician. I do know how to hang drywall and swing a sledgehammer, I can use a saw and put down tile. I plan on doing things slowly and scouring places like the Habitat for Humanity Restore, Goodwill, and the Salvation Army for materials. I also plan on using some material from my basement that will no longer be needed down there. I will price and shop around for needed supplies and buy them as money comes available. I am in no hurry. In fact, I want this project to take a little while. Believe it or not, this project is helping me deal with stress as well as satisfy my desire to remodel. I am not perfect and I am sure there will be times when I curse myself for even starting this project. Mostly, though, I am happy. I am adding to my coping skills. In the past, I have used retail therapy and food to cope with stress and feelings of inadequacy. Today I am using my writing, the gym, and now home improvement projects to cope.

The last, almost, 6 years has been rough. I have walked that long, lonely road of grief and I have done and said some stupid and crazy things. Through it all, I have had my family and friends standing beside me letting me know that I am safe and loved. These past 2 years or so I have finally decided it is ok to be happy and I am figuring out what that means. I have had to rediscover who I am and who I want to be. Please try not worry, I am ok and I do know what I am doing, for the most part ;).

Just so you know, I will still complain about not having any money. That is a never ending situation no matter what I am or am not doing. Love to all! I will continue to share my Remodel on a Budget of $0. Demoing is kind of fun, the clean up not so much.

Let’s Take A Walk

Do you walk the smooth path or forge your own path? Should we take the smooth path? Is there really such a thing as a smooth path?

I think all paths are bumpy. I think they should be. We weren’t meant to walk smooth, sunny paths all the time. We are meant to discover things and live life! How can we do that if we stay on a smooth path all our lives? Sometimes the roughest paths can lead us to the most beautiful places. Places were we find ourselves and really learn what life is about.

We need to climb the mountains and walk through the forests. Stumble over a rock or tree root, be afraid, take a leap, fight the storms, feel the pelting rain and the hail. Climb over a fallen tree, stand on the edge of the cliff. If we never have the fear, the pain, the grief then how can we appreciate, really appreciate, the hope, the love, the beauty that surrounds us?

I don’t want someone to smooth the path for me. I want to walk the bumpy road. Maybe a note or sign “Make sure your sneakers are tied it gets really rough up ahead” or a hand to hold during the really tough parts. I want to learn from life, make my own mistakes, listen to the stories of others who have lived and walked the same path, learn and pass that on. I don’t want trees cut down or rocks moved out of the way. A cheering section might be nice:)

I know that there will be times I will be the first to walk a path and that I might I have to leave a sign for the next person or pause lend a hand to someone else. I’m ok with that.

Life is a journey. Sometimes it’s rough and you fall a lot, but there are so many wonderful people and things to pick your self up for and keep moving ahead. So go ahead, take the tough path. Maybe we’ll run into each other 🙂

Getting Healthy

Now that my finances are more or less under control I am embarking on a new task in my Finding Balance journey. For pretty much all of my life I have struggled with feeling good about my health…ok fine…my weight. I have never been a slender, thin or small girl. No those adjectives have never been said about me. I did here the terms chubby, fluffy, big boned and from the meaner people fat, blubber butt, and Good Year Blimp. I always wanted to be the girl in the magazine. Thin, beautiful, sexy! Hell even cute or adorable would have made me feel good. But it never happened and so here I am at age 35(nearly 36) writing about it and hopefully finding a balance that makes me feel comfortable in my own skin.

I am not going to show “fat” pictures of myself and later show “skinny” pictures of myself. I’m 35 and my priorities have changed. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to feel beautiful or sexy, what woman doesn’t want to feel like that? Feeling beautiful will be bonus of being healthy 🙂 

Being Healthy, that’s my goal. It’s not just about the weight anymore. I’m older now and with my families health history I need to start thinking healthy. That being said I have a few “hold me ups’ that I must overcome before my goal will be accomplished.

Hold Me Ups:

1. I LOVE food! Well except for most vegetables.

2. I have a very strict grocery budget that doesn’t allow for a lot of fresh or unprocessed foods.

3. I have a sweet that could out shine Willy Wonka and his entire chocolate factory!

4. Not only am I an emotional shopper, I’m also an emotional eater. Feeling sad or angry? Stuff my face with food! Happy? Celebrate with food!

My Stats:

Height: 5 feet 0 inches

Weight: 220 lbs (OMG! I am hyperventilating! I can not believe I just put that out there for everyone to see!) Breathe it’s just a Fucking number, it can be changed.

Blood Pressure: (at last check) 122/88

Pulse: (again, at last check) 87 beats per minute

Family History: High blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, cancer, vein issues, heart disease, seizures and probably other things I don’t know about.

Food intake: Semi healthy. Translation: I eat salads and fruit on occasion

Exercise: Lately? I’m lucky if my ass leaves the chair for more than 5 minutes. In the not so distant past I have worked out at a gym.

I want everybody to understand that none of these numbers or words make up who I am as a person. But these things do control how long I am on this plane of existence, hence the need for change.

Last Friday my blood pressure went up to 149/93 and pulse was 97. I had a massive headache and was dizzy. RINGA DING DING BABY THIS IS YOUR WAKE UP CALL!

So here I am. Stick with me on my Getting Healthy quest and we can learn something together 🙂