Whatever you celebrate I hope it’s a good one:)
In 2011 my world turned upside and I didn’t think that I would ever feel like celebrating anything ever again. Life was hard and I floated in a cloud of despair. I functioned, did everything I was supposed to do. I paid bills, finished my Master’s degree, took care of my daughter, went out with friends, found a job, cooked, got dressed and breathed. I did it all in a haze. I remember laughing but what people don’t understand is that I laughed so that I didn’t cry. I drew breath because that’s what was expected of me. I watched Practical Magic and it hit me for the first time that people really could die of a broken heart, it wasn’t just some movie fantasy. I didn’t die though, I kept breathing and continued to go through the motions of life. Until…
One day something strange happened. For a brief moment the fog lifted and I actually made meaningful contact with the world around me. It only lasted a moment, then another moment and soon the moments of clarity were longer. I began to feel like more than just a sad person taking up space on this planet. There were still moments when I retreated into what I call robot mode. From about mid November through January 2nd I tried not to feel. I went through the motions and I smiled and laughed but I wasn’t fully present. From 2011 until this year.
Again the sadness dissipates and a light shines through. I was actually excited, excited for Thanksgiving to come around! I couldn’t believe it! I wanted people to come to my house and stuff themselves full of food. I made a pumpkin pie from scratch! Seriously! I bought a pie pumpkin and baked and pureed it and made it into a pie! I looked forward to the family drama. Crazy right! My daughter asked if we could decorate for Christmas after Thanksgiving and I actually wanted to decorate. I lugged that box upstairs and tested the lights and some of my family and friends helped me decorate. And guess what? I am listening to CHRISTMAS MUSIC! I feel happy🙂 I am so looking forward to the rest of the year. I want to celebrate, to be happy, to have a good time with my family and friends.
In those first few months and years I didn’t think this would ever be possible. Here I am feeling… celebratory.
Don’t get me wrong friends, I still miss my Justin and think about him all the time. I miss my grandma and my dad, who died the same year. This time though I actually feel like they are with me and are proud of me for finally breaking out of the fog, for finally accepting that it’s okay to be happy. I am embracing it my friends!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A WONDERFUL SEASON!