Tonight I attended a wedding reception. I missed the wedding ceremony due to a couple of delays. If I’m going to be honest though, I wasn’t sure if I was going to the wedding.
The decision to go or not had nothing to do with the bride and groom. This indecisiveness has been part of my life for nearly eight years. During most of these years I wanted to hide because everything was emotionally painful, even the moments that were supposed to be happy. This is no ones fault, I lost a part of my heart and the rest of the world kept turning while I was crumbling into little pieces. I was invited to places and out with friends and for a bit I tried but it was so tiring to look happy when I was still broken. I stopped accepting invitations or found reasons to not follow through with plans.
Over the last several years I have been rebuilding and figuring out who I am again. I haven’t been much better about accepting invitations or following through but I have made more of an effort. Today was one of those days that I had to fight through the hesitation and feeling that it would be better if I just stay home. I am so happy that I made the decision to go. I am so thankful that the bride invited me.
Thank you to my friends who keep inviting me to things. Thank you for not giving up on me. I know the last nearly eight years have been frustrating for you because it’s been frustrating for me as well. I want to feel normal again, whole, like I belong and it frustrates me when I end up feeling out of place. Thank you for continuing to extend invitations even though you may not have completely understood why I rarely accepted. Thank you for reminding me that you are all still out there and ready to welcome me as though no time has passed. I am making my way back into the world, it’s a slow progression. I cannot promise that I will accept every invitation or that I won’t leave a bit earlier than the party breaks up, but I promise you I am trying and I am so very thankful for your friendships.
I did leave the wedding reception a little earlier than I expected but I also stayed much longer than I thought I would.
Thank you for being my friends and accepting me with my brokenness. Thank you for being understanding of my hesitations.