I have been in a funky mood all morning. In about an hour I will be heading out to attend a funeral. The funeral is for a wonderful woman who I worked with several years ago. I followed her on Facebook and enjoyed her posts about her horses, her cookie business and her grandson. She always seemed so full of life. So, here I sit with my cinnamon roll and my coffee beginning to understand why I am feeling the way that I am.
Death has always been my greatest fear. There the secret is out no going back. In the last seven years I have lost more people who have touched my life than I have in my first thirty two years. Not that death didn’t touch my life during that time, I just never felt it as acutely as I do now. I felt other people’s pain and sadness when they lost someone, but I never fully understood. Today, I do understand. So, I sit here sipping my coffee with heavy chest and tears threatening because I understand her family’s pain and it breaks my heart that they have to feel that pain.
On a more selfish note, days like these force me to contemplate my own mortality and it is really uncomfortable! I question if everyone in my life knows how much I love them. Have I done everything I want to do in this life? Would I be leaving this world a better place than the day I came into it?
The truth is I don’t know the answer to any of those questions. I think that is what scares me most about death. I haven’t done enough for the people who come into my life, for the ones I love, for myself or for our world. I know it isn’t my job to make everyone happy or fix all of the world’s problems, but am I being the best person I can be if I live in my own little bubble and never leave my comfort zone? Isn’t that what life is about? Living the best version of yourself at least eighty percent of the time.
I think it will take more than one cup of coffee to answer any of those questions. I will keep muddling along and try my best to be the person I know I can be.
What do you think? What scares you the most?