Monthly Archives: September 2016

Face to the Sky

I raise my face to the sky

I scream WHY!

Why must I wonder how I will feed my child

Will I be able to make my house payment

Why! 

I feel like crying but crying shows weakness so I yell instead 

My baby asks for things: books clothes games a snack and I yell because we don’t have money for all that

How do I handle all the stress all the worry all the pain

I’m not alone

Others feel the same

Some yell and some find other ways to deal

Dull the pain and the worry even just a little while To be happy and not feel the worry anger despair

But it just pulls us deeper into the despair and gives us more to worry about once we surface from the high there is always a low

It slams us down and breaks us again and again and again

WHY! 

Until one day we realize that that there are people standing near shouting for us to get up and start anew

Leave the pain killing things and let yourself feel 

We are here and we will stand with you

But they cannot walk our path for us they must simply stand next to us

Frustration and loneliness rush in and we risk drowning once again

Get up the voices whisper and we yell at them to go away they don’t understand 

No but they are standing there anyway whether they understand or not and they lend a hand and we shove it away

I’m not weak we yell and scream I can do this myself 

The tears come unbidden as I you we lay on the ground screaming at as the tears fall down 

Face to the sky crying WHY!

The people are there again whispering 

There is no because to answer that question 

It simply is

I have a choice, you have a choice, we have a choice

Get up or stay down 

Getting up is hard because there is a risk of falling again and again 

I’m not alone, you’re not alone, we are not alone

Others have been here they know 

It’s a path we must walk alone but there are others close by they look over and smile whisper you can do it 

I pull myself to my feet tears still stuck in my eyes anger and sadness burning my heart

Stepping forward letting go

Stumbling 

Falling 

Getting up

Pain

Anger

Tears

Frustration

Sadness 

Stepping forward 

Letting go

Smiling 

Happy

Stumbling 

Catching 

Face to the sky

Head held high

                                    VP 9-19-16

A Budget of $0

Hello, family and friends and readers of my blog. This is just a note to let you know that I am not crazy or in an irrational state of mind :). I am, however, in a mood to do something that I have been wanting to do for a long time, remodel my kitchen. Here are some pics

I have been watching DIY shows and looking through Pinterest and HGTV magazines for years and I finally have an idea of what I want to do to my kitchen. No, I do not have a budget. I am a single mom with a part time job and the dreams of being a professional writer. My bank account frequently screams in agony and every time I use my debit card I hear alarm bells sounding. This will not stop me and here’s why.

Life is really fucking short! It’s too short to wait until the “perfect moment” and definitely too short to wait for my bank account to always be in the black. Life is too short to sit around and whisper “someday” into the air. My someday is now. To some of you, this might seem foolish, stupid and perhaps a bit absurd. I mean who starts a remodel without having a budget in place!

The answer to that, perfectly understandable, question is this: someone who doesn’t need near instant gratification, someone who plans on doing most, if not all, the work herself. Yes, I do have big plans. Yes, I do know that not all of those plans will work. After all, I am not a plumber or an electrician. I do know how to hang drywall and swing a sledgehammer, I can use a saw and put down tile. I plan on doing things slowly and scouring places like the Habitat for Humanity Restore, Goodwill, and the Salvation Army for materials. I also plan on using some material from my basement that will no longer be needed down there. I will price and shop around for needed supplies and buy them as money comes available. I am in no hurry. In fact, I want this project to take a little while. Believe it or not, this project is helping me deal with stress as well as satisfy my desire to remodel. I am not perfect and I am sure there will be times when I curse myself for even starting this project. Mostly, though, I am happy. I am adding to my coping skills. In the past, I have used retail therapy and food to cope with stress and feelings of inadequacy. Today I am using my writing, the gym, and now home improvement projects to cope.

The last, almost, 6 years has been rough. I have walked that long, lonely road of grief and I have done and said some stupid and crazy things. Through it all, I have had my family and friends standing beside me letting me know that I am safe and loved. These past 2 years or so I have finally decided it is ok to be happy and I am figuring out what that means. I have had to rediscover who I am and who I want to be. Please try not worry, I am ok and I do know what I am doing, for the most part ;).

Just so you know, I will still complain about not having any money. That is a never ending situation no matter what I am or am not doing. Love to all! I will continue to share my Remodel on a Budget of $0. Demoing is kind of fun, the clean up not so much.