January 12th, 2014 9:33p.m.
3 years, 14 hours and 14 minutes have passed since you left this world for the great beyond. Its has not been easy for any of us. We are plunging forward but sometimes it is really hard! I know you’ve heard this before and I don’t mean to make you feel bad, it’s just the way it is.
Over the last three years I have gotten a little closer to your sister and a little more distant from my mom. I’ve made a lot of financial mistakes. I’ve been a raving lunatic and despondent homebody. I have tried some new things and I have learned that I am stronger than I want to be. I’m not a great mom but I’m not horrible either. I have found that I miss you and that will never change. There are days when I can live with that and there are days when I feel I might suffocate under the weight of it. Life without you is strange and a little unreal at times. I’m no longer sure where I belong. I have been angry and sad and lost. There are many things that I don’t understand and never will. I only regret the words that I will never get to say to you, the love I will never get to show to you. I do know and completely understand that I would not be who I am today if I had never known you. You gave me a gift (not just Anastasia). Something more. An understanding, unconditional love and so much more! A gift I will carry with me for a lifetime or longer. I will always love you. Thank you for letting me in. “I will love you long after your gone, gone, gone….like a drum my heart will never stop beating for you………”(Philip Philips)
P.S. Whether I can always admit it or not…I am learning to be okay with the way things are. I don’t like it, but I’m learning to be ok with it. You make your own……………………….I will always remember