Monthly Archives: January 2014

Jealousy Rains Supreme

The Green Eyed Monster has reared its ugly head inside my brain and is making its mission to conquer my heart. As a mother you believe that no one can parent your child as well as you, no one can possibly understand your child the way you do, or help them the way you can. You are after all his/her/their parent, to them you are everything and everything you say is gospel truth, right!? Right? Maybe? No. Once your kids start school you are no longer the end all be all in their life. Their teachers and their friends now know WAY more than you ever did. When my daughter started Kindergarten I accepted this, her teachers then and since have been good teachers.

But what happens when you invite someone in to your home? What happens when you take on a roommate out of necessity or kindness? What happens when that roommate becomes comfortable with correcting your child? Hmmmmmmmmmm………………maybe the most important question is “What happens when it seems your child would rather hang out with your roommate?” This is when the questioning begins. Am I a good parent? Have done something wrong to make my child not want me to help with homework, play games, or ask questions, etc…? You know the general “What the F*** is wrong with me? questions. So I have been dealing with the jealous monster in my head for a little and I can usually talk it away, but something has changed and the monster has begun to win.

I think war was really shoved to the forefront when Anastasia’s report card came. I was talking to Anastasia about her teacher’s comments and all of a sudden the roommate was attempting to work with her on the areas the teacher said needed work. I hadn’t even finished talking to Anastasia about it and roommate was already taking it upon herself to direct my daughters studies. I didn’t say anything to roommate because I thought maybe it was the G.E.M. again. Unfortunately I can’t stop thinking about it and I have since been picking at every little thing and asking myself “Is she trying to be my daughter’s parent? MY DAUGHTER! Not yours!” As these words reverberate through my head I try to tell myself that roommate is just trying to help and I am being a paranoid freak. Then I ask myself why is Anastasia writing cute little letters to roommate and roommate writing letters back? Why I am left out of the loop? Why is my little girl drawing pictures and dedicating her Hoops for Heart donation collection to roommate? What about her Dad who died due to heart and kidney related issues? What about her various family members that have high blood pressure? What about the woman who is doing her best to raise her? The thing is we only get to be a part of our kids everyday lives for a short time, then they begin to really grow up and they don’t need us like they did when they were little. Anastasia is only 7 years old, in the blink of an eye she’ll be an adult and begin to form connections with people that will take her even farther away from me. Whether it seems it or not I am very grateful that she has so many people that care about and love her. But I am her mother and a majority of her life lessons will come from me and so the jealous monster says that gives me the right to want and need for me to be her everything at least while she’s little. But does it really?

Tonight I made my daughter feel guilty about not wanting my help. Tonight I was a bad mother. Tonight I made my daughter cry for no other reason than I was feeling tossed aside like yesterdays newspaper.Tonight I will be making attempts to amend my bad behavior and get the Green Eyed Monster back in its cage. Tonight I will try to put those questions out of my head. Tonight I will accept that I am a good mother and that I am human and make mistakes. Tonight I will ask for help from those who have might also had these thoughts and feelings. Let me know how you deal with it so that I can learn and be an even better mother.

3 Years, 14 hours and 14 minutes

January 12th, 2014       9:33p.m.

Justin,

3 years, 14 hours and 14 minutes have passed since you left this world for the great beyond. Its has not been easy for any of us. We are plunging forward but sometimes it is really hard! I know you’ve heard this before and I don’t mean to make you feel bad, it’s just the way it is.

Over the last three years I have gotten a little closer to your sister and a little more distant from my mom. I’ve made a lot of financial mistakes. I’ve been a raving lunatic and despondent homebody. I have tried some new things and I have learned that I am stronger than I want to be. I’m not a great mom but I’m not horrible either. I have found that I miss you and that will never change. There are days when I can live with that and there are days when I feel I might suffocate under the weight of it. Life without you is strange and a little unreal at times. I’m no longer sure where I belong. I have been angry and sad and lost. There are many things that I don’t understand and never will. I only regret the words that I will never get to say to you, the love I will never get to show to you. I do know and completely understand that I would not be who I am today if I had never known you. You gave me a gift (not just Anastasia). Something more. An understanding, unconditional love and so much more! A gift I will carry with me for a lifetime or longer. I will always love you. Thank you for letting me in. “I will love you long after your gone, gone, gone….like a drum my heart will never stop beating for you………”(Philip Philips)

Forever Yours

Valerie

P.S. Whether I can always admit it or not…I am learning to be okay with the way things are. I don’t like it, but I’m learning to be ok with it. You make your own……………………….I will always remember