This week has not been a great week for me on a very personal level. Blue days are a common occurrence in my life. Days when I feel sad and nothing can really make me feel good. This week I have had a week full of them. I am pretty sure it was because Anastasia had her 6th birthday this week. It was just one more birthday that her Daddy wasn’t here to see. Or maybe Justin was here, either way I missed him holding the camera and complaining because there were so many people in our small house. She has a full life ahead of her so I understand that this is going to be a regular thing, but having this knowledge does not make it any easier to get through. My family and friends helped to make her birthday a really nice one and if she felt any sadness she didn’t show it. Of course she could be like her mommy in that way I guess, good at masking her feelings. I did pretty good at hiding my blues but yesterday they were really hard to hide. Today was somewhat better. Yesterday…hmmm…yesterday…
Yesterday I saw Justin everywhere in our house, I felt him here next to me. Usually I feel a sense of happiness when this happens but yesterday was different. I think maybe because I was feeling blue most of last week and this week feeling, his presence in the house made me miss him even more. For a moment I felt happy but then I realized that what I was missing on this particular day was not just his face, his voice, or his laugh…no I was missing his touch, his arms, his lips, his shoulder where I would lay my head while we sat on the couch….
I would be lying to myself if I said that I didn’t miss the sex. Hey I’m only human. The real truth, whether anyone believes it or not, is that I miss the non sexual stuff the most. The soft brush of his finger along my cheek, the way his arms felt around me when he hugged me, kisses on my forehead, his thumb brushing across the middle of my forehead where he said my “third eye” was. I miss the playful pokes in the ribs and the fake punches in the arm. I miss sitting on the couch with him and holding fingers. Yes fingers not hands. I can see your quizzical expressions now and maybe a hint of a smile. We would hold hands for a little bit but then our palms would get sweaty so he would pull away and say with a little smile and laugh “you can hold my finger”. And I would. I miss the feel of my fingernails on his back. Get your mind out of the gutter! I would scratch his back for him for almost an hour before his transplant, after it was shorter intervals. People on dialysis can get pretty dry skin.
I can hear the whisper of voices saying that I could find these things with someone else. Well most of them. If you’ve had more than one person close to you then you know that the touch of every person is different. The feelings behind the touches, the hands themselves are different. Besides, I already addressed that in a previous blog 😉
I know that the blue days will come and go and I know that in the long run I will be okay. It’s not about getting over, or moving on, it’s about finding a way to live, to be happy, finding a new normal for my new beginning. Yes a new beginning, all be it an unwanted new beginning. I will always miss Justin, that is something that won’t change. This doesn’t mean I have to hide in my house, or shut out every new thing that happens to me, or turn away every new person I meet. It’s just a fact of my life, part of my new normal.