Insomnia, sleep, and dreams

Usually I can sleep pretty good. I used to be able to sleep anywhere. After Justin died I began facing INSOMNIA! AHHHHHHHHHH! In all honesty it wasn’t the first time I had a bought of insomnia. When I was pregnant I would wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. Of course this only happened a hand full of times over the months. But after Justin, INSOMNIA reared it’s ugly head and curled around my pillow like a dragon around a castle tower, breathing its hot breath in my face and so that I could not sleep. And of course once I was able to fall asleep (just several hours before I had to wake up) I had a really hard time waking up in the morning. It was like I was fighting to drag myself out of a pool and the water was just heavy around me trying to keep me floating in the warm inviting waves. Ahhhh, bliss!

In truth I did nothing about my insomnia in the first several months after Justin died. After all if I wanted to sleep that meant I had to go into my room and lay in my bed, and face the fact that Justin was no longer there and would not be ever again. So sleep was not something that my tired and fragile mind really wanted. Of course as time struggled on, like it always does, I began to feel the effects of the insomnia. I realized that I really needed to sleep in order to be able to take care of my daughter properly.

Melatonin became my best friend. I would take a couple of those and begin to feel tired. Just to make sure that I would fall asleep I would also drink a nice glass of warm milk. If neither of these worked I would write, read, watch t.v. or anything else I could think of that would help make me tired. For the most part it worked. There were still nights that I just couldn’t make myself sleep or keep myself asleep. Even now I have days or even weeks when I have trouble getting to or staying asleep. I try not to stress about it, usually I just go back to my old stand byes or wait it out. I am not much for prescription sleep aides because I have an addictive personality and don’t want to get stuck on them. Writing seems to help the most. Usually when I cannot sleep it is because I am worried about something or over thinking situations or life. Writing helps to put get those thoughts from my head and onto paper where they can be dealt with later. Sometimes it is simply about adjusting my caffeine intake.  

Once I started to sleep the dreams would come. I have often dreamt about Justin since he died. I honestly believe that most of the dreams are a way to comfort me, to let me know that both he and I are okay. Some of the dreams come straight from my broken heart. I have had several where I return home to find that Justin is alive and it was all a big mistake, some delusion I was having. One time I even dreamt that he was in witness protection and now he was back because the bad guys were dead or in jail. Go ahead and smile, I do when I remember that one, too many cop dramas(I am smiling and shaking my head right now as I think about it ;-))  If you are a deeply (or even moderately) religious person you will say these dreams are from God to help me through a rough time. If you are a scientific person you are probably thinking that these dreams are just my subconscious mind trying to help my fragile psyche remain intact during this rough time. I believe that the good dreams are there to comfort me, maybe they come from God or maybe it really is Justin visiting me, or they could be a defense mechanism designed by my brain to keep me sane. In all honesty I really don’t care. When I dream about Justin I remember that between this world and the next is only a thin veil, I understand that love ones on the other side of the veil can reach out and help us(after all God is very busy, of course he has helpers), and I wake feeling like I really can make it in this world no matter how tough it seems.  

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