So in my last post I talked about how hard it was to say what I was actually feeling (the one before the question). This time I am going to let it all out. Since starting this blog I have tried to be more aware of what I am really feeling instead of pretending that I don’t really know. As the song goes “Everybody hurts somedays, it’s okay to be afraid….everybody feels this way it’s okay” (Avril Lavigne). Today I am feeling somewhat abandoned. The truth be told I have felt like this a lot since Justin died. I told myself it wasn’t fair to feel like that, I had so many people standing beside me and helping me. How could I possibly tell them I felt abandoned and alone. That and the fact that it wasn’t like Justin said today is a good day to die and then did. No, he fought for a very long time and most people wouldn’t have know he was even struggling with any type of illness he hid it very well most of the time. After his transplant it was a easier. But I digress. I felt abandoned. Left alone to take care of everything on my own. How horribly unfair! I haven’t really thought much about this until today.
Today my sister told me that she and John are signing lease papers on Monday. They have been living with me since December 31st 2010. They were only supposed to be here about 6 months to a year. But about a week after they moved in Justin died and so 6 months turned into 1 year which turned into a year and a half. I knew they weren’t going to be here forever(funny that’s exactly what Justin said 3 days before he left me forever). In truth I have not been the easiest person to live with (I complain a lot, Justin used to say that I would complain if someone hit me with a new hammer), and in fact we had been discussing move out dates for about 6 months. I knew they were looking because I had talked about different places with them and even helped them make phone calls. I guess a part of me kind of hoped that I wouldn’t be left alone. I still have Anastasia, but I will be the only adult in the house now. Talk about pressure! And over the last couple of weeks as they were searching for a place of their own that old feeling from last year surfaced and smacked me right in the face. Abandoned…again! So I started saying things like you can stay longer if you need to, we can figure out what it would take to put an apartment in the basement, we haven’t really set a move out date yet, take all the time you need. I am saying these things while the less panicky more rational side of my brain is screaming it’s time for you to have your own space, it’s time for them to have their own space, don’t panic everything is fine, they aren’t moving to Timbuktu if you need something they will be there just like all of your other family and friends! And fairly quickly I realized that I wasn’t feeling abandoned(well maybe a little), I was and am feeling Apprehensive, nervous, scared.
SMACK! Yep the proverbial frying pan hit me upside the head and everything clicked. I have never really lived on my own. Not only that but I have never lived on my own and at the same time had to be responsible for another person. And as if this weren’t enough this little person needs things, a lot of things! Like food, clothes, a place to sleep, and school supplies! Not to mention all of the none material items like love, compassion, rules, structure, and someone to protect her! What the H E double hockey sticks! Panic Panic Panic! Oh wait…haven’t I already been giving all of those things?(rational side) Well yes but not all ALONE!(irrational side) Just breathe, in…out…in…out. Okay, yes everything has changed, there is no denying that. You will be living in a house with a 5 year who you will be responsible for…By Myself(irrational side slipped in there sorry), yes but, you have friends who are a text, phone call, facebook, and short drive away if you need them.(rational side concludes) A sigh and semi acceptance from the irrational side. Rational side wins…at least for now 😉
I am stilling feeling a bit nervous, it has only been a few hours since she told me that the moving out is a sure and definite thing, but I can breathe now and I think another feeling is creeping in…what is that feeling? Ah, yes! It’s excitement. The feeling you get as the door to something new opens…nervousness, excitement, fear…all rolled into one. I would give just about anything to have Justin back. But it’s kind of nice to know that I can survive on my own. That I can be the strong, confident person he saw in me.